Day 26

Not that type of housekeeping, so look away now if you were tuning in for hints on how to get stains out of a white leather armchair or that sort of stuff. But, since you asked, freshly-squeezed lemon, an ordinary dish cloth and a bit of elbow grease will do the job, but why would you bother? Surely the faded coffee-cup circles and the rubbed in cigarette ash add character to the seat of creativity from which I do most of my work work, a portion of my real work and nearly all of my pontificating to family members – if you insist on an approximate figure for the pontificating it is around the 77.2% mark, for the good reason that sometimes I have to chase family members from room to room in order to pontificate successfully at them. The part-time wife requests that I let it be known that, regardless of the position from which it occurs, a full 100.0% of my communications to the family could, and should, be classified as pontificating. So fair play to her for learning some mathematics (never her strong point) during the Kerfuffle.

Having passed the quarter of a century milestone yesterday (not me, ya tool! the blog), the IT Crowd in its wisdom decreed that the ‘news’ page of this site could do with a bit of a once-over. They call this pointless activity ‘housekeeping’ in the trade, apparently, and if it keeps them out of trouble and puts in their day for them, who am I to argue? I only own the place, after all, it is not as if I am in sole charge of it. But on that housekeeping point, in an interesting linguistic aside [interesting to whom, exactly? – Ed.] the cognate Irish word timireacht was instrumental in my bringing about a successful, and definitive, conclusion to the whole spurious obair bhaile concocted controversy. People with more time on their hands than sense had constructed out of low-fat air a query as to whether the universally understood noun phrase obair bhaile was in fact ambiguous and could also mean ‘housework’ along with its usual meaning of ‘academic torture devised by teachers to ruin pupils’ home lives too’. My linguistic lessers are never totally satisfied with a bald ‘no’ from me (see Hairgate II), although it would save a lot of time if they could develop this habit. So I hit them with the timireacht scud missile to shut them up, and further informed them that I had retrieved it, unbidden, from the béal of a native speaker as the word he naturally used for the unnatural, and unnecessary, activity ‘housework’, and they could put that in their clay pipes and smoke it if they liked, but they should in any case never mention their artificially-constructed ambiguity again. At least, not in my presence. What they do in their spare time is of no concern, nor interest, to me.

Back to the TechHeads though. Apparently, their ‘improvements’ to the site will make it more user-friendly. Now they did not consult me beforehand to ascertain whether or not such an outcome was even an ambition of mine, and it was certainly not in the Top Ten the last time I checked, but I did not have time to bring this point up with them as we were diverted into a 2.56 hrs semantic, and, betimes, pedantic, discussion on how on Earth (or wherever you are reading this from) it could be possible to ‘improve’ on perfection. The ‘discussion’ – if what was basically a monologue can be so described – reached no definitive conclusion; always the best type of interaction with others, I feel, as it avoids tedious court cases afterwards. I will summarise the main points, and explore the whole ‘user-friendly’ chimera (how can a person described as a ‘user’ also be friendly, I ask you?), in a substantial memo to their line manager. In the mean time, and I am feeling pretty mean about the whole waste of my valuable Space and Time in case you feel like pointing out that ‘mean time’ should be one word, here are the details of the ‘improvements’.


Titles of Posts: Each post will from now on be titled according to the pattern Day # sequentially, apart from today’s post as a negotiated and agreed moral protest by the content provider. This should also facilitate study for the up-coming class test as not all posts will bear the title ‘Social Distancing’. The smart boy in the class has already noticed that some archived posts have been re-titled according to this ridiculous invasion of my private privacy; this is explained by the unlikely fact that SquareBracketsHead actually did some work over the weekend and carried out a modicum of actual editing instead of accosting, and interrupting, me in the middle of my daily therapy session. As a further exam tip, those looking for bonus marks in the class test would do well to include especially those posts so re-titled in their study timetable.

Comments: No idea why anyone would want or need to (see previous argument about the impossibility of improving on perfection), but here is the idiot’s guide – although Shirleen has, in fact, already worked out how to do it. Whatever way you get into the ‘news’ section of this website, if you hover one of your wireless mouses over the title of any post you see on screen until it is highlighted, then click on it, you will be transported to a place behind the curtain where you can do all sorts of things, including leaving a comment. You will have to scroll down to get there, but surely even idiots knew this? As for what the difference between leaving a comment and leaving a reply is, ask the TechHeads.

Previous Post/Next Post: There is also the facility when down there to access – I dunno, what should I call them? – past and future pearls of wisdom from the content provider. This should prove an invaluable aid to those studying for the exam. Please note (faut-il?) that if you are in fact reading the most recent post, the Next Post button, for reasons of time travel, will not be available.

Your Fellow Inmates: If, for any reason under God, you wish to view comments made by your fellow captives, y’all can scroll down to the actual footer of the page, and a few clicks will provide you with full access to how other people contrive to waste my time. These Recent Comments are also available to view without going through any of the rigmarole of clicking on post titles above. If Zaphod Beeblebrox’s advice to under-developed species was, and it was, ‘Bang the rocks together, guys!’ then my parting instruction to homo sapiens (before I go back to my home planet Pluto) would be, ‘Always scroll all the way down. And read my complete email, not just the first sentence. And Keep Calm and Combat Covid. Now wash your minds.’

That should about cover it. Abnormal service will be resumed tomorrow, on the assumption that there be a tomorrow. (?Subjunctive correct, Bee?)


3 thoughts on “Housekeeping

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