Call Security!

[We’re all in trouble now. That has never happened before. And, unlike the Russian experiment – Hi, Ivor! – we have no idea why it happened.

And look closely at that pic above, particularly the time underneath the heading Stats for May 8, 2020. So, not only are we now being monitored by Red China, we are being monitored BEFORE the blog for the day has been written and posted. Sinister in the extreme.

A theory is beginning to bubble in my, admittedly, over-worked brain. Maybe Content Provider is in China? Maybe he was kidnapped and brought there for some nefarious purpose yet to be revealed to do with covid-19? Good luck to them if it is ransom they have in mind because, let me tell you, the new Finance Director is not really breaking any delph. What with our main source of income being awol at present, we really need to see some monetizing of this site, but when I brought the matter up at the daily emergency executive meeting of the crisis committee sub-group on contingency plans, she looked at me like I had two heads. I feel like I have two heads at the minute, but I do not actually have any more than the standard amount.

“That’s not what a Finance Director does,” she shrugged. “That’s the responsibility of the Marketing Manager.”

“But you used to be the Marketing Manager!” I screamed in frustration.

“Used to be, kiddo, and the past is a different country, as you well know,” she retorted, reaching for another freshly-baked pain au chocolat from the silver tray in the middle of the dark oak boardroom table.

“Well, can you not remember what you used to do when you used to be Marketing Manager, and, not to put an overly-sharpened extremity on it, why it used to be so useless?” I pleaded, not unjustifiably.

“I can of course,” she munched, “but conflict of interest, GDPR and all that, and no one knows what marketing departments actually do, especially some of those employed in marketing departments, and there is an unwritten rule not written on the back of the basketball hoop in the central networking hub in every marketing department that states, surprisingly clearly for a marketing communication, that marketeers intend to keep it that way. If you do not know what it is, you cannot measure it, and if you cannot measure it, you cannot possibly come to any conclusion about whether it is being done effectively, ineffectively or at all,” she said, pouring more freshly-squeezed orange juice into her Waterford Crystal (RIP) glass.

“I’ll measure you over this table!” I blurted. “Where the Hell are we going to get the money from to cover snacks, uniform cleaning and weekly manicure sessions? and then there’s the staff to pay if there’s any money left over. And ‘marketeers’ is not even a real word.”

“Why not borrow it?” she posed, delicately removing some crumbs from her lips with the linen napkin.

“Borrow it! Borrow it!” I stormed. “From who(m)?”

“Listen, Ed,” she began.

“Don’t call me Ed,” I spluttered. “Only He is allowed to call me Ed. And He might be in China being tortured by disease-bearing bats at the minute, for all you know. Or care.”

“Listen, Bob,” she continued, “you know there is no actual money in the World, don’t you? Well, OK, Bill Gates has some, but apart from that what you think of as money is actually just a merry-go-round of debt. Governments have no money because they spend more than they earn from their citizens, so they issue bonds bought by international financeheads who have no money either but who borrow from the banks to buy the bonds as they are a sure thing. The banks have no money either, but they trundle along nicely under the gamble that not every customer is going to turn up at the same time and ask for the meaningless figures on their bank statements to be converted into gold bullion, so they spend their time moving figures on-line from one account to another, and people fall for the scam and spend the non-existent money in cashless transactions. It is mostly bankers who spend it, as they make sure to move large figures into their own personal bank accounts. There will be a central bank in each country backed by the government which, as you’ll recall has no money, but which, if there is a wee shortage about, can tell the central bank to print some. To finance this ‘quantative easing’ the government will issue bonds which the insolvent international financeheads will buy funded by money they have borrowed from the insolvent banks. Got it? So get a mitt and get into the game. Apply for a loan. And then for another loan to pay the first loan off. Repeat till fade. That’s enough work for one day, I’m away for lunch.”

With that she sashayed out of the wood-panelled room, into her Porsche and bombed down the country lane at a speed that frightened the cows, and a few of the grazing PhD students. At that point, María came in to clear away the breakfast things.

“Could you lend me some money, María?” I pleaded, applying for the suggested loan.

“¿Cé, Señor?” she prevaricated, pushing her trolley around the massive table collecting bone china cups and saucers.

“Dinero, María. Have you got any? Just a few hundred thousand. I’ll let you write the blog tomorrow if you can lend me it until next Wednesday.”

María paused in her pushing, reached under her immaculately-starched apron and produced a bulging purse from a pocket in her skirt.

Quids in! – Ed.]